How We Abandon Ourselves to Keep Them Calm 😔➡️💪

"I don't even recognize myself."

Have you ever looked back at your behavior in a toxic relationship and thought, “That wasn’t me. I don’t even recognize myself.” Maybe you snapped at someone who didn’t deserve it. Maybe you agreed with something that made your stomach turn. Maybe you took on a tone or an attitude that felt foreign, harsh, cold, calculating, just to avoid triggering the person you were with.

If you’ve done that, let me say something clearly:

🔹 You didn’t become toxic.🔹 You became what you had to be in order to survive.

🫥 The Disappearing Act

When you’re in a relationship with someone emotionally volatile, narcissistic, or controlling, your nervous system becomes a full-time threat detector 🚨. You start tracking moods, memorizing patterns, and anticipating explosions. Over time, you don’t just respond to danger, you preempt it.

That’s how we start to perform. 🎭We mirror their anger to avoid becoming the target. We downplay our needs so we’re not called selfish. We question others or become critical because we’ve learned that’s the only way to keep our partner from turning on us.

This is how self-abandonment becomes a survival strategy. And when you’re stuck in that reality, it’s not a conscious choice, it’s instinct. 🧠⚠️

💡 My Story: When I Took On His Rage

I remember a time I got a bill from the handyman that was higher than expected 💸. My first thought wasn’t “Is this fair?”—it was “He’s going to be furious.”

Not just upset. Furious. 😡

And I knew, based on experience, that if I didn’t also act angry, if I didn’t challenge the handyman, express outrage, and reflect his level of fury, then somehow, I would become the problem. I’d be accused of being weak, irresponsible, or wasteful.

So I did it. I played the part. I sternly questioned someone I normally would’ve spoken to kindly 😞. I acted like someone I wasn’t. And I hated it.

That moment stuck with me because it wasn’t just about the handyman. It was about how far I’d strayed from myself to appease someone else’s chaos.

🧬 Why This Happens (and Why It's Not Your Fault)

Psychologically, this is called fawning 🕊️, one of the trauma responses that doesn’t get nearly enough attention. Unlike fight, flight, or freeze, fawning is about adapting to the abuser’s needs to stay safe.

It’s not a flaw in your character, it’s your body doing its best to protect you.

Here’s the deal:👉 Taking on someone else's traits to survive is not an identity flaw, it's a conditioned, protective response.👉 While it might feel like a betrayal of your values or your integrity, it was actually an act of desperate preservation.

🛤️ Coming Home to Yourself

Part of healing from narcissistic abuse is forgiving the version of you that had to shape-shift. She wasn’t weak. She wasn’t fake. She was in survival mode 🛡️.

Now that you’re on the other side—or working your way there—you get to return to yourself.

Ask yourself:

• Who did I become to survive?

• What’s actually mine, and what did I borrow to stay safe?

• Who am I when I’m not trying to manage someone else’s moods? 💭

The journey back to your true self isn’t always graceful. But it’s sacred 🧘‍♀️.

💬 A Reminder for the Road

Let me leave you with this:

💥 “You mirrored their madness to avoid their wrath. That doesn’t make you toxic—it makes you a survivor of toxicity.”

And this:

🌱 “Abandoning yourself to keep the peace isn’t a character flaw—it’s a trauma response. But reclaiming yourself? That’s healing in motion.”

If you’ve ever questioned why you became someone you didn’t recognize, please know, you are not alone 🤝. Many of us became strangers to ourselves just to make it through the day. But today, we choose differently.

✨ We choose self-loyalty.✨ We choose wholeness.✨ We choose to come home.